You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
