I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Randomize
