I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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