in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Randomize
