He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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