my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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