i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
