the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
But break dance skills will only take you so far
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
