There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
