Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Randomize
