remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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