So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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