Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
