census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
