there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon�
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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