I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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