The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
