Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
