Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
