Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
