Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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