Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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