that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
