I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Are we still banned from the library?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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