your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
