Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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