i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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