woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
