Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
