all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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