Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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