I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
