So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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