That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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