Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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