My first STD was from a foam party
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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