It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
