You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
