Will you blow on my dice?
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
