why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
