Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
