sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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