you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
