Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
