How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
