Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
