i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
