PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
