Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
