I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
